ur on mah page, readn mah stuff

around and around I go...

2011-05-26T11:22:00.000-04:00

my foot nailed to the floor. If you tell someone that something they do bothers you - and I don't mean "this tag in the back of my shirt" bothers you, I mean, merely thinking of it makes your stomach hurt. Tell them again and again and again. You beg them not to do this...yet they still do. Worse, they do it and seem to make every effort to stick it in your face in an attempt to... what? make you like it? drive you insane? deliberately drive a wedge as deeply as possible between you? You try to avoid it and in some demented fashion, the person just keeps bringing it to you? As if to ensure that you cannot possibly have one moment of peace...

How can someone who does this claim in the next breath to love you, to care about you? How is it possible that, knowing their actions are hurtful, they continue on as if nothing has been said? Do they think that their other actions justify the other behavior? What is going on in the mind of a person who does this?

I don't know how much longer I can sit by and be tortured like this. All the love in the world doesn't fix this situation. It doesn't mitigate anything anymore. I have tried so hard and asked for very little. I can't spend the rest of my life like this...

Ellie's TPLO Diary - 3/28/2010

2010-03-28T09:30:00.002-04:00

Ellie got to go visiting last night!! We decided that it was worth the effort of packing up her x-pen and other acoutrements to bring her with us for our weekly Saturday dinner at "aunt Mikki's." She was ecstatic to say the least - I thought her tail would wag right off!

Her incision is still red and some bruising is starting to appear. At first I was concerned that there was some infection, but the area isn't overly hot and she otherwise appears fine. I'm sure that with everything that was done in there, that the incision site had to held open for quite some time, so the bruising isn't really surprising. What is different, though, is that unlike humans, whose bruises can be black or purplish, hers is red. From what I have read on other dogs' TPLO experiences, this is normal, but still disturbing to see. I'll be keeping an eye on it, though.

In some ways, I am glad that we did wait a while before jumping into surgery, because she had already adapted to getting around on three legs when her knee was hurting. It's not such a new experience for her, and she can surely tootle around when she wants to! I worry a little about how much her surgery leg jiggles when she's doing it, but she gets enough snoozes in between that I don't think we're overdoing it. She is still on the Rimadyl twice a day and I have her a Tramadol last night before bed since she had been up and about more yesterday than the day before. She's been good about not worrying at her incision, so she's allowed to have her e-collar off if I'm there to watch her. I think she's getting a bit of training in that as well, since if she even sniffs at her leg, the collar goes on, and she H-A-T-E-S the collar.

She's picked up two new nicknames (in addition to the dozen or so she already has) - prickly-butt and turkey-leg. Her poor little naked leg and butt really do look like a raw turkey leg.

Poor Merlin is bored out of his mind with no-one to play with and has been exiled outside for much of the day. He let me know just how bored he was when he attempted to rip up all the new sod that I had laid in the backyard. I've decided that he and I are going to go take an obedience class in April so we can move forward toward getting him into agility or freestyle.

Ellie's TPLO Diary - 3/27/2010

2010-03-27T07:26:00.001-04:00

Ellie has finally perked up some and seems to be getting some of her old self back. She spent a good part of the day snoozing and behaved herself enough to have her e-collar off for most of the day. In the evening, almost like clockwork, the predicted swelling around her ankle appeared. Her incision is a little red right along the join, but otherwise looks good. This morning her ankle still has the pocket of swelling, but it doesn't seem to cause her any discomfort. She definitely seems to enjoy going outside for a good sniff, so last night we put one of her sweaters on to keep her little naked butt warm when she went out.

While she's still mostly pootling around on three legs, she has started "testing" her right leg a little, occasionally resting her toes on the floor for balance. She's snuck in a few jumps onto the sofa, but she seems to have perfected the art of the three-legged-launch. I'll still be putting up "stair cushions" today to facilitate her getting on the sofa if she wants to.

As I write, she is snoozing off her breakfast but will no doubt wake up when Stephen does. I have to say, I've been very pleased with how Merlin is behaving around her. Given his age and personality, I was concerned that he would be constantly pestering her to play, but he's been quite good and I was able to have both of them out in the family room for a while with no incidents. Last night he was finally allowed to get in a good all-over sniff to assure him that she's still his Ellie, just a little different for the time being.

I'm confident that if everything continues like this, she'll be back to her old self by Memorial Day.

Ellie's TPLO diary - 3/26/2010

2010-03-26T06:34:00.006-04:00

Last October, after a hard day's playing, Ellie started limping one evening, "toeing" her right hind foot. My initial suspicion was that she had torn her ACL, but after a visit to the vet and some Rimadyl, she seemed to improve, so we chalked it up to a soft tissue injury and moved on. In November, the limping started again after a romp in the ball field and didn't really get better - she could run and walk, but not "jog," so in December we had some x-rays done. Unfortunately they were fairly inconclusive, but I still suspected ACL.

January and February we tried severely restricting her exercise, which wasn't hard considering the abysmal weather. This, however, only seemed to worsen her condition, making her stiffer and less mobile. At the end of February, I finally decided that we needed a definitive answer (or validation of my suspicions) and so I took her to the orthopoedic specialist at VVSA. The diagnosis: partial tear of her right ACL (or CCL, more correctly, in canines). We discussed the various treatment options (no surgery, tight-rope and TPLO). Ultimately, we decided on TPLO due to Ellie's age, fitness and activity levels. We felt that it was better for her to have 8 weeks of recovery now, but a more permanent solution for the future.

She went in Wednesday, March 24 for her pre-op x-rays and bloodwork and stayed overnight. Surgery was Thursday morning. We got the call from the surgeon just before lunchtime that she had come through wonderfully. He said that there was about a 33% tear of the ACL/CCL but that the joint overall was in near-pristine condition with almost no arthritis or other tissue damage (I honestly chalk this up to the joint supplements and Steadfast that she's been taking since December).

I picked her up last night, going over her post-op instructions. She was awake but groggy and seemed more disoriented by the e-collar than anything else. Not surprising, since it not only blocks her vision, but clamps her ears down close to her head so she can't hear as well.

We have her confined in an x-pen in our family room to keep her from trying to jump on the sofa. As I write this, she's napping, without her e-collar on, since I'm in here to keep an eye on her. She's only shown mild interest in her incision so far (which looks good this morning), but we will continue to use the e-collar when we can't be here to observe her. I think that this will be more important in a few more days when the incision will probably start to itch, as well as where her hair starts to grow back in.

the deep, dark, fall FUNK

2009-09-23T20:19:00.002-04:00

it's here. joy of joys, wonder of wonders. that deep, dank, funky fall funk. every flamin year, it comes, attaching itself to me like a limpet... or a gooey funky fungus. what does the funk feel like? well, if it were a color, it would be that lovely beige gray of a public truck stop rest room. if it were a food, it would be airline food.

"beef... or chicken?"

can anyone really tell the difference? what it feels like is nothing. i don't want to do anything - and trust me when i say, it isn't boredom. i have so many possible THINGS to do that if they kept a person alive i would never die. i just don't want to do any of them. can't be arsed. don't feel like walking the dogs. don't feel like knitting or sewing. don't really even feel like riding... or reading. or any of those million activities that make my life full.

can't keep up with the housework. sorry, don't feel like it. dinner, you say? you know where the fridge is... dirty clothes? hey, that new washer's in the back room. don't wanna go to work that's for sure. somehow i manage to get lots of tickets closed, and i'm nice to people. but i really don't care.

i hate the funk!! and the problem is, the funk will just camp out with me until thanksgiving, maybe christmas. one of those eating holidays. stinking up the place... chaining me to the sofa instead of washing the dishes.

the funk sucks, people. wish they had a cure for it (that wasn't a better living thru chemicals solution). wouldn't really wish it on anyone.

GO AWAY FUNK!!

it's not about the gatorade, man (well sort of)

2009-07-19T21:11:00.002-04:00

today was one of those days... those that seem to be coming more frequently of late, where i so wish that i could board somewhere else.

you see, i live in virginia. it's hot. it's july. riding is hot, thirsty work (well for me it is anyway). there's lots of dust and grime and considerable effort involved...

... and people keep stealing my gods-damned gatorade.

now, for some reason i can't explain, call it being brought up right, but i could be gasping with thirst at work, at the barn, even at someone's house i don't know, and i will not get something that isn't mine out of the fridge. i buy these friggin gatorades when they're on sale at krogers or whatever because the low calorie ones are expensive - relatively speaking - and it'a far sight better than water when you've sweated out enough for you and the next three people. i've tried writing my initials on the lids with a sharpie. i've even put my NAME on them with nifty little labels my friend made me. and these disrespectful SHITS keep drinking them when i'm not there.

i swear, i'm gonna grind up some damn dulcolax and put it in the damn drinks.

but when i say it's not about the gatorade, i do mean it. what it comes down to is respect. i don't know why i would expect different behavior from the same people who "borrow" pieces of tack without asking. who use my stable supplies and leave them outside in the yard for me to come across weeks later. who somehow made two halters disappear. who use my lead ropes right in front of me, and when i ask them to be put back, find them in the same place they left it.

really. REALLY?

how far we've come

2009-07-18T20:44:00.002-04:00

today was one of those days when I realize that after 3 years of riding that things are finally coming together... fantastic ride today, one of those really elating moments where all the stuff I've read about becomes real. a "velveteen rabbit" moment.

after having to wait nearly a half an hour while the fill dirt was delivered to the barn (during which time I did ground work with JJ to keep his head busy and not on the giant dump trucks coming in and out) and when I finally got on... wow. he was just so "together" light in the hand - looped reins almost. his canter was to die for - for the first time I think I finally understood what "your seat should be softly glued to the saddle" felt like. I could have ridden that forever :)

proud of my pony, and, justifiably proud of myself.

wheeeewww...

2009-03-27T18:24:00.002-04:00

i need a vacation, from, well, everything!

a few weeks ago i went a little crazy trying to get the yard cleaned up for spring and attacked several piles of wet leaves. dumb idea. one case of "leaf raker's elbow" (ie tennis elbow). it still hurts and it's a pain in the arse to keep ice on it without having someone wrap it on with an ace bandage...

i've had problems with my shoulder since last summer when my DH's horse took me for a drag down the barn aisle. been ok with the occasional flare-up. then last weekend we attacked the yard again with bunches of very cool, but heavy equipment. queue nasty shoulder flare up.

then yesterday, dragging-arse tired at the end of the day, i get a support call for a printer toner cartridge. "no problem" i think, i'll just run down, replace it, close ticket and go home. of course not. the toner cartridge is sitting on the edge of the wobbly printer cart and starts to slide off and when i go to grab it, TREMENDOUS PAIN shoots up my shoulder into my neck. i've had almost no use of my right arm since then.

okay, add into the mix the fact that i'm taking lexapro and it basically puts me into a coma by 9 pm every night.

last night i fell asleep on the sofa and i barely remember getting up to go to bed.

this morning i got up and took ellie out and she started inhaling water... lots of it. when i came in, everyone's water dishes were empty so i filled them up. she drank more. and more. and more. and then, she wouldn't eat. now, those of you with beagles know, if a beagle ain't eatin, something is wrong. i'm tired, worried and suspecting bloat. 7 am and off we go to the Veterinary Referral and Critical Care center in Goochland. they take her back for an eval... vet doesn't suspect bloat (no vomiting and poos were regular) but tense belly and polydipsia indicate SOMETHING. a dog comes in with seizures (this is one of the scariest things i have ever seen, my heart goes out to her owners) and all gets put on hold. they pull blood from ellie and all comes back normal. x-ray machine is down. so i take her home and observe her for about two hours. she finally took some food.

ultimately, she seems like she's okay. probably gave herself the bellyache of a lifetime. it's even possible that the cats knocked over the food bin and she ate as much as she could and in my near comatose state i just righted the bin and didn't think about it. she's eaten some small portions of food and kept everything in and things seem to be moving along as they should be.

i'm just mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, and i feel like a shitty pet mom.

i'm now officially a number

2009-03-26T12:16:00.002-04:00

well, it's official. my entire work existence now has been reduced to numbers. Stats, SLA's, ticket numbers, quote numbers. there's no "me" in there anymore. no one cares that it can take days to not only pin down a user, but to research and diagnose their problem. let alone the resolution, which takes hours more. spyware to remove, laptops to deploy, nitwits to educate.

my parking has been cancelled. i haven't taken a lunch break in weeks. Ellie has probably forgotten what a "walk" is anymore.

ugh. i hate this job. i hate tech support.

can they bottle this?

2009-02-07T21:14:00.002-05:00

that absolutely giddy feeling of being outside for the first time in weeks without 15 coats on, in the sunshine, riding my horse (on his BEST behaviour!) being relaxed, calm and happy.

there's no drug that I know of that's a substitute for that...

jesus, i'm so slack i shouldn't be breathing

2008-12-30T13:48:00.002-05:00

yeesh. no new posts. no new dolls. no new riding breakthoughs. no new and witty insights. i don't even think i've finished any books since Rebel Fay. holy crap! am i even alive?

>>pokes self with a pointy thing<<

yeah, i guess i am, but wow. i don't think i could even tell you where the last few months have gone. workworkwork...slackslackslack...

waste, waste, waste. can't get time back, y'know?

oh, wait. i did read the newest Rita Mae Brown Mrs Murphy novel, Why is God Laughing by Deepak Chopra and part of Chopra's The Third Jesus - which was actually incredibly fascinating. i hadn't read any of his stuff before. the bummer was TTJ was due back to the library and someone had requested it. bah! will have to get it again. i am TRYING to read Inner Revolution by Robert Thurman (you know, Uma's father and Bhuddist Extraordinaire?) which is also fantastic, but it's pretty heavy, too, and my tiny tiny brain can't process but so much at a time.

a return to an old hobby

2008-09-15T15:03:00.002-04:00

so, of late, my job has been sucking away my weekends, which means NO RIDING. i miss my pony!!

BUT, in some small way, i have my lousy job to thank for pushing me back into an old hobby - one which, if i stick TO IT, could make me some $$

which hobby? Fashion Doll Makeovers - or, OOAK Fashion Dolls. i actually first got interested in this about 10 (wow!!) years ago and dabbled here and there. back in 03 or 04 i actually got the nerve to put a few of my dolls up for sale - and sold one. have to get pics of her here. have to say, even for my less than stellar painting skillz back then, she was an awesome doll!

so, now, since i haven't been able to get away to the barn during the days, i've dug up all my old supplies and started painting again (with much help from Donna Anne Masi's awesome instructional CD). i'd forgotten how much i loved it.

hopefully photos and more updates on dolls as they are completed!

i usually hate politicians, but...

2008-09-04T19:49:00.004-04:00

i think i'd like to buy Sarah Palin a beer. maybe go shooting together...

freakin awesome speech!

posting drought over...

stuff i love (and you might, too) part I

2008-08-07T08:32:00.004-04:00

so I thought that as part of my postings i'd start series or two - this one, 'stuff i love' is really just about products etc that i've tried and really had good luck with. i figure if even if only 1 or 2 other folks find it suits their needs, then i've done my part! look for another series - 'super yumyums' to start soon. recipes compiled from family and friends.

**note, all recommendations should be assumed to have the designation 'IMHO'. i can't guarantee that they'll do the same for you as they have for me**

Cetyl-M

also known as cetyl myristoleate. this stuff is absolutely phenomenal. i first began using it about 3-4 years ago on our old doggie, Ginger (may she rest in peace). she was about 10 at the time and getting stiffer by the year. i initially tried glucosamine, but then saw an ad for it on RFD-TV (the one with the dog that has no use of his hind legs) and decided to try it. i gotta tell you, folks. this stuff WORKS. i firmly believe that we'd have lost Ginger to immobility years earlier. i've recommended it to at least two other people for their aging doggies and they, too, have seem amazing results. There are also equine and human versions. The "Cetyl-M" brand is available here , and at Vallet Vet. There's also "Myristin" which is available here and other places. It's a bit pricey, but having seen the results, it's worth it to me.

Theanine Serene

over the years i've tried to research a number of natural agents for calming, anxiety and stress. my job tends to be pretty stressful and i'm one of those type-a types who can't shut their brain off. St. John's Wort - okay, but there have been clinical trials that shows it interferes with birth control pills, so not good for me. Kava Kava - i didn't need to be QUITE this relaxed. 5-HTP (tryptophan) also ok, but made me a little sleepy. then i started reading about other amino acids and theanine in particular. There's an excellent description of the ingredients and what they do here, the only thing being that the article states that it contains valerian, which i can't find on my current bottle's label. perhaps this was a change in the formula since the article was written. i can say, pretty well unflinchingly that this product has helped me enormously. i can stay calm and level headed in stressful situations, my anxiety level stays low and as an added bonus, i've lost not weight, but inches (most likely due to reduction in the stress hormone cortisol. i've recommended this to several of my friends with positive results. the only person who noted a slight drowsiness was my mom, but it should be noted that she has hypersensitivity to medications - so if you're the type that a single benadryl will knock you out, you might want to consider taking it in the evening instead of in the am.

why ride if you're not going to show?

2008-08-01T06:25:00.003-04:00

i've had this question asked of me more times than i care to recall - mostly i just find it annoying, but this morning over coffee and an evil cigarette (yes, i am a 'filthy smoker') i had one of those odd flashes that sort of explained it all.

lots of folks go back to school - some do it as a 'value added' option - it increases their value at work. some do it to pursue a lifelong interest. i feel that i fall into this latter group. my family wasn't able to afford for me to learn to ride or have horses when i was young, so now, as a thirtysomething, i've chosen to 'go back to school.' and what a school it can be!!

for me, learning to ride isn't about getting a ribbon or beating the competition. it's about the pursuit of what is essentially an art form. it's not an expensive hobby - it's an education.

so while some of you may spend that $10k or $20k or more getting a second batchelors or masters in 2-4 years, i'm just spreading that out over the next decade or so, but essentially doing the same thing.

insects of the south I could live without...

2008-07-28T19:11:00.003-04:00

okay, so maybe they're not ALL 'of the South' but seriously, of late it just doesn't get cold enough here in the winter to kill ANYTHING. every year, it's something new. this years winners:

Flour Beetles

there's several species of these insidious little buggers - usually the red or 'confused' (you're confused? so am i...). read about them here. mine are the red. i was up till 11 pm last night chucking out more food than i care to mention. you know all those 'staple foods' we like to stock up on? yeah, definitely gone. fortunately the rice was salvageable. the 5 lbs of bread flour wasn't. a word of warning - these nasties can actually eat through cellophane or other flimsy thin plastic bags that some packaged foods come in, and also through cardboard and paper... and now i have to try to find a marginally safe pesticide to put in my cabinets. joy.

Red Clover Mites

when i was a kid, i remember seeing these on my grandmothers front stoop, so i took to calling them 'the concrete mites' or 'the brick mites.' finally got my answer to what they really are here. this year in our backyard i put in some big mulch beds and an outdoor screen room, thinking i could enjoy a good book in the outdoors. what i got were bajillions of little red mites crawling all over me, my books, the table, chairs, etc. i'm sure the library cursed me every time i returned something to them, with little red squishes on every other page. turns out that the mulch beds created a Clover Mite's heaven. genius me! resident puppy makes the whole pesticide thing a bit of an issue.

not to mention the flying velociraptors (read: 24-hour-a-day mosquitoes in desert dry weather), last year's ants; both crawling and flying, previous year's meal moths, cicadas, camel-back crickets. ugh.

i'm not a squeamish person. i actually enjoy bugs like praying mantis, luna moths, bumblebees and the like. but when they invade my house, i gotta draw the line.

a challenge, for me at least...

2008-07-28T10:41:00.000-04:00

okay. so after having seen a friends recent blog, wherein he watched a different Godzilla movie every day of the month of June (and then blogged it) I feel like I have to make a challenge, at least to myself, to write at least once a week until the end of August.

maybe I'll have nothing interesting to say, but at least I'll say it out loud.

Perfect Partnership

2008-03-28T09:36:00.000-04:00

I figured that since it's a beautiful spring Friday here in Central Virginia that my first post would be something simple and happy. So, I give you this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sknEaZHHbhc

If this isn't a perfect partnership, I don't know what is.

Enjoy!