the deep, dark, fall FUNK

it's here. joy of joys, wonder of wonders. that deep, dank, funky fall funk. every flamin year, it comes, attaching itself to me like a limpet... or a gooey funky fungus. what does the funk feel like? well, if it were a color, it would be that lovely beige gray of a public truck stop rest room. if it were a food, it would be airline food.

"beef... or chicken?"

can anyone really tell the difference? what it feels like is nothing. i don't want to do anything - and trust me when i say, it isn't boredom. i have so many possible THINGS to do that if they kept a person alive i would never die. i just don't want to do any of them. can't be arsed. don't feel like walking the dogs. don't feel like knitting or sewing. don't really even feel like riding... or reading. or any of those million activities that make my life full.

can't keep up with the housework. sorry, don't feel like it. dinner, you say? you know where the fridge is... dirty clothes? hey, that new washer's in the back room. don't wanna go to work that's for sure. somehow i manage to get lots of tickets closed, and i'm nice to people. but i really don't care.

i hate the funk!! and the problem is, the funk will just camp out with me until thanksgiving, maybe christmas. one of those eating holidays. stinking up the place... chaining me to the sofa instead of washing the dishes.

the funk sucks, people. wish they had a cure for it (that wasn't a better living thru chemicals solution). wouldn't really wish it on anyone.

GO AWAY FUNK!!

it's not about the gatorade, man (well sort of)

today was one of those days... those that seem to be coming more frequently of late, where i so wish that i could board somewhere else.

you see, i live in virginia. it's hot. it's july. riding is hot, thirsty work (well for me it is anyway). there's lots of dust and grime and considerable effort involved...

... and people keep stealing my gods-damned gatorade.

now, for some reason i can't explain, call it being brought up right, but i could be gasping with thirst at work, at the barn, even at someone's house i don't know, and i will not get something that isn't mine out of the fridge. i buy these friggin gatorades when they're on sale at krogers or whatever because the low calorie ones are expensive - relatively speaking - and it'a far sight better than water when you've sweated out enough for you and the next three people. i've tried writing my initials on the lids with a sharpie. i've even put my NAME on them with nifty little labels my friend made me. and these disrespectful SHITS keep drinking them when i'm not there.

i swear, i'm gonna grind up some damn dulcolax and put it in the damn drinks.

but when i say it's not about the gatorade, i do mean it. what it comes down to is respect. i don't know why i would expect different behavior from the same people who "borrow" pieces of tack without asking. who use my stable supplies and leave them outside in the yard for me to come across weeks later. who somehow made two halters disappear. who use my lead ropes right in front of me, and when i ask them to be put back, find them in the same place they left it.

really. REALLY?

how far we've come

today was one of those days when I realize that after 3 years of riding that things are finally coming together... fantastic ride today, one of those really elating moments where all the stuff I've read about becomes real. a "velveteen rabbit" moment.

after having to wait nearly a half an hour while the fill dirt was delivered to the barn (during which time I did ground work with JJ to keep his head busy and not on the giant dump trucks coming in and out) and when I finally got on... wow. he was just so "together" light in the hand - looped reins almost. his canter was to die for - for the first time I think I finally understood what "your seat should be softly glued to the saddle" felt like. I could have ridden that forever :)

proud of my pony, and, justifiably proud of myself.

wheeeewww...

i need a vacation, from, well, everything!

a few weeks ago i went a little crazy trying to get the yard cleaned up for spring and attacked several piles of wet leaves. dumb idea. one case of "leaf raker's elbow" (ie tennis elbow). it still hurts and it's a pain in the arse to keep ice on it without having someone wrap it on with an ace bandage...

i've had problems with my shoulder since last summer when my DH's horse took me for a drag down the barn aisle. been ok with the occasional flare-up. then last weekend we attacked the yard again with bunches of very cool, but heavy equipment. queue nasty shoulder flare up.

then yesterday, dragging-arse tired at the end of the day, i get a support call for a printer toner cartridge. "no problem" i think, i'll just run down, replace it, close ticket and go home. of course not. the toner cartridge is sitting on the edge of the wobbly printer cart and starts to slide off and when i go to grab it, TREMENDOUS PAIN shoots up my shoulder into my neck. i've had almost no use of my right arm since then.

okay, add into the mix the fact that i'm taking lexapro and it basically puts me into a coma by 9 pm every night.

last night i fell asleep on the sofa and i barely remember getting up to go to bed.

this morning i got up and took ellie out and she started inhaling water... lots of it. when i came in, everyone's water dishes were empty so i filled them up. she drank more. and more. and more. and then, she wouldn't eat. now, those of you with beagles know, if a beagle ain't eatin, something is wrong. i'm tired, worried and suspecting bloat. 7 am and off we go to the Veterinary Referral and Critical Care center in Goochland. they take her back for an eval... vet doesn't suspect bloat (no vomiting and poos were regular) but tense belly and polydipsia indicate SOMETHING. a dog comes in with seizures (this is one of the scariest things i have ever seen, my heart goes out to her owners) and all gets put on hold. they pull blood from ellie and all comes back normal. x-ray machine is down. so i take her home and observe her for about two hours. she finally took some food.

ultimately, she seems like she's okay. probably gave herself the bellyache of a lifetime. it's even possible that the cats knocked over the food bin and she ate as much as she could and in my near comatose state i just righted the bin and didn't think about it. she's eaten some small portions of food and kept everything in and things seem to be moving along as they should be.

i'm just mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, and i feel like a shitty pet mom.

i'm now officially a number

well, it's official. my entire work existence now has been reduced to numbers. Stats, SLA's, ticket numbers, quote numbers. there's no "me" in there anymore. no one cares that it can take days to not only pin down a user, but to research and diagnose their problem. let alone the resolution, which takes hours more. spyware to remove, laptops to deploy, nitwits to educate.

my parking has been cancelled. i haven't taken a lunch break in weeks. Ellie has probably forgotten what a "walk" is anymore.

ugh. i hate this job. i hate tech support.

can they bottle this?

that absolutely giddy feeling of being outside for the first time in weeks without 15 coats on, in the sunshine, riding my horse (on his BEST behaviour!) being relaxed, calm and happy.

there's no drug that I know of that's a substitute for that...

jesus, i'm so slack i shouldn't be breathing

yeesh. no new posts. no new dolls. no new riding breakthoughs. no new and witty insights. i don't even think i've finished any books since Rebel Fay. holy crap! am i even alive?

>>pokes self with a pointy thing<<

yeah, i guess i am, but wow. i don't think i could even tell you where the last few months have gone. workworkwork...slackslackslack...

waste, waste, waste. can't get time back, y'know?

oh, wait. i did read the newest Rita Mae Brown Mrs Murphy novel, Why is God Laughing by Deepak Chopra and part of Chopra's The Third Jesus - which was actually incredibly fascinating. i hadn't read any of his stuff before. the bummer was TTJ was due back to the library and someone had requested it. bah! will have to get it again. i am TRYING to read Inner Revolution by Robert Thurman (you know, Uma's father and Bhuddist Extraordinaire?) which is also fantastic, but it's pretty heavy, too, and my tiny tiny brain can't process but so much at a time.